I am sitting here thinking about everything and realized that we move in about 3 weeks. Nothing is packed and we have no motivation. This new house was bought because we were expanding our family. It was to be a new exciting beginning with our new baby and our amazing little boy Lukas. Now neither of us are very excited to move. It is now a reminder of what could have been. An empty room where our new baby should have been.

My emotions are a whirlwind right now. I try to be strong for Sam and Lukas, as I know that Sam is hurting just as badly as I. I would do anything to ease his pain if I could. I feel SO pissed one minute and so sad the next minute. I have such a strong need to know the sex of my baby and am praying that we find out soon. I miss my baby so badly. What I would give to go back just to feel the baby inside of me just one more time.

Empty womb, broken heart, shattered dreams and full of questions. Why us?

Thanksgiving Day

I want to be thankful for so many things on a day like today, it just seems impossible. The procedure went well yesterday. I felt the baby the whole time I was being prepped for surgery. I kept feeling the kicks and my heart kept shattering with each movement I felt. I went into surgery crying and woke up crying. I just can't seem to stop. I am not in too much physical pain today thank goodness.

I am not sure where to go from here. I feel empty, I know that my baby is no longer inside of me. I want to know why this happened to Sam and I. I know I will never get the answer to that question.

Our Thanksgiving Celebration was postponed, no one feels much like celebrating after the few days that we have had. I pray that my baby is in heaven and being cared for others we've lost and by my grandpop, who my sister said is probably teaching the baby some curse words right about now.

The funeral home will be picking up the baby tomorrow and that lays heavy in my mind and heart. We have not decided the next step.

I don't think I will ever get over not being able to see my baby, or kiss my baby or watch my baby grow up. I don't even know the gender of my child. We hope to know after the chromosomal testing is completed. I feel that my baby deserves a name even though it never had an opportunity on this Earth.

We never thought this could happen to us. I have a wonderful healthy little boy so we just assumed we'd have the same again. This condition that my baby had is a horrible horrible thing.

In my agony I have learned to take NOTHING for granted. You never know when you are going to lose someone you love.

I feel empty and overwhelmingly sad, I feel angry that this has happened to us.

I am so thankful for my friends and family. I don't think I could survive this without them. I don't know how to move on. Everyone says that in time that the pain will lessen but will always stay with Sam and I.

I know we have a really tough road ahead of us and someday I hope I can be happy again.

I miss my baby so much already, the pain is indescribable.

Thank you again for all the support.

Love, Erica

Heaven is receiving an Angel much too soon.

It seems it was about a year ago when we created this blog and now for the first time are using it to share with you what is going on with our life.

I know some of you are wondering what is going on with Sam and I right now. We had proudly announced that we were pregnant with baby #2!

I had my 16 week ultrasound on Monday and we had high hopes to find out the sex of our baby. Instead we found out that our precious baby has a severe form of holoprosencephaly. Our unborn child's brain never formed when I first became pregnant. It never divided as it should have. Our baby is brain dead and has no chance for survival. There is no solid reasoning for this condition. We were advised that he/she would possibly not make it to full term and if the baby did, it would have days if not hours to live. We were advised by a specialist and my OB that our best option is to end my pregnancy.

We did our research and leaned heavily on each other and our immediate family. We came to the decision to end my pregnancy. Mine and Sam's hearts are shattered. We have to say goodbye to our child that we will never hold, never kiss and never see grow up. I know there is a breathing child inside of me but has no quality of life. The baby's brain stem is in tact which makes the baby able to move and wiggle, the heart is beating but the brain is not formed.

I go in tomorrow to end my pregnancy. I can't stop crying, it all seems so surreal. I ask that you pray for us, pray for our families and pray for our angel baby. I know that everything happens for a reason but I am numb and can't understand why this has happened to us.

Please give us time to heal, we thank everyone especially our close friends and family for the unconditional love and support.