Well, it is 2011 and life is as busy as ever! Lukas and Evan are growing like weeds! Evan will be 4 months old on February 1st. Time is flying and man does that child crack me up! Evan goes to sleep smiling and wakes up smiling. He truly brings me immense joy. Now Lukas, my boy Lukas.....he is trouble with a capital T!!! He cracks me up all the time and is constantly getting into some sort of trouble! It's crazy that I can have full converstations with him now. He isn't a baby anymore, a little man now. He is really good with Evan and anytime he walks up to Evan he gets a big smile! Luke loves to hug and kiss his baby brother and always looks for him when he wakes up in the morning!

We have a couple of fun vacation planned for this upcoming summer! Definitely something to look forward to! For now we are just dealing with this crappy winter and all of the snow that Mother Nature is bestowing us with! Man, someone made her (Mother Nature) and really needs to apologize!!!

That's all for now!

Erica

Life goes on

It's been a long time since I posted on here, a long time since I even came and looked at this blog. I guess I associate our blog with the death of our child. It boggles my mind that it has almost been one year since we had to make that agonizing decision to let her go. Where did the time go? I don't know why I've decided to come back on and write on this, just felt the urge.

There is a saying that I found that I can relate to ~ In 3 words I can sum up everything I learned about life: it goes on ~

I gave birth to Evan Robert on October 1st, 2010 and he brings such happiness to our lives! He in no way replaces Eryn. Our heart still ache for her but we do know that good things can happen after experiencing such a tragedy. I think about Eryn every single day, multiple times a day. I don't think I'll ever get over losing our baby but every day it does get better.

Evan is only 18 days old but I feel like he has been a part of our family forever! He weighed 9lbs, 5ozs when he was born and he weighs 10lbs 3.3ozs at his 2 week check up! He is a chunker! He is a great baby and Lukas adores him! Lukas is such a good brother, just wants to hug and kiss Evan all the time!

I've always hated the saying "Everything happens for a reason." It has always annoyed me when people say that but I think that Eryn had a great purpose in our life and losing her made Sam and I stronger as a couple. Many couples don't survive something like what we went through. I thank Eryn for blessing us with Evan. It's hard to explain but that is how I feel.

Ok, well I know that was a bunch of rambling but I hope to update this regularly about my kids and life in general!

I can't believe it is 2010 already. Time is flying and I'd like it to slow down a bit! I can't believe that it will be 6 weeks tomorrow that we said goodbye to Eryn.

We held a memorial service for her last night. It was really nice and I am so glad that we did it. She deserved it and I think we needed it also. It was wonderful to hear her name being said. Tori read a beautiful poem and I thank her for that. It meant so much to us! Esther from my mom's church sang Amazing Grace and it simply was amazing. She is a beautiful and talented woman! I thank my mom for helping organize it, she was a huge help during these past 6 weeks!

I hold close to my heart that I will see my little girl again and she will be happy and not sick. I wake up missing her and go to sleep missing her. She is always in my thoughts.

Lukas is keeping me busy, always getting into some kind of trouble! Typical boy! We are so happy in our new home. I am so glad we found this house! The neighborhood is great! The dogs love their new backyard with the freedom to run around!

Hopefully 2010 will be a good year for us!

Not much going on, on this end. Just waiting for 2009 to be over and hopeful that 2010 is going to be an awesome year for Sam, Lukas and I.

I miss Eryn and think about her every day several times a day. I stare at her urn and am still in shock that this has happened. I accept it but I wish things had been different.

We are mostly settled in the house, we have started painting the rooms. Lukas' room is almost done and we painted the sunroom! We just try to keep busy as much as we can.

Tori and I went to Michael's and I purchased a pink scrapbook and material to make a scrapbook for Eryn. I had already bought a small scrapbook when I first found out I was pregnant to fill with my pregnancy photos and ultrasounds but it was Mickey Mouse and just wasn't good enough for her. I am hoping to start it this week.

So that is all in my life right now. Just taking it day by day. It's the best that I can do.

I am sitting here with Lukas in our sunroom as he drinks his bottle and for the past 2 days I can't get the thoughts of Eryn out of mind. I just feel devastated. I can't think of a better word. I try to pretend that I am ok but my heart really hurts.

We have started planning Eryn's memorial. I feel like I am stuck in time. I hope that her memorial will give me some sort of closure so I can try to move forward with life. I hope the pain will lessen in time. I hope that people never forget her. Though we never got to see her or hold her my heart still aches the same. I keep looking in the room that we were supposed to be decorating for her and I feel lost.

I wanted to share this quote I found:

The angel, in the book of life, wrote down my baby's birth and whispered as she closed the book 'Too beautiful for Earth."

We are officially moved in to our new house. We did the big move yesterday. We had such great help yesterday and today. Thank you to those that helped! Sam did a walk through with the new owner of our Sellersville house. I didn't go with him. I didn't want to get upset, I know that this is now my home. Sounds dumb I know but I was really sad to be moving after everything that has happened but we are so lucky to be in this beautiful home!

I also got a call yesterday from Lindsey at the funeral home. She advised me that Eryn's urn had arrived and that she would drop it off today. I somehow knew that she was going to be calling me yesterday. I just had a feeling. Lindsey came this morning and dropped off my daughter's ashes. It is a beautiful cherry finish with an angel engraved on it along with her first and middle name and her date of birth/death on it. Sam was not home but Jason was with me at the time. I kept my emotions in check for the most part. It's just seems like a really bad dream still. I am sitting here now looking at her urn and I can't believe that my daughter's ashes are in there. I am waiting for someone to wake me up and tell me that I dreamed this all up and that I am still pregnant. It makes me so sad to know that she wasn't given a chance at life and I am so sorry for that. I would have done anything if I knew there was a chance for her.

Sam went and picked out a Christmas tree this evening while I stayed home with Lukas. It just doesn't feel right to be celebrating anything. I will though for my son. He loves all of the Christmas lights. I decorated with some of my Christmas decorations tonight. I can't wait for him to wake up tomorrow morning to see/destroy it all!

Life is slowly moving on, whether we want it to or not. Most importantly, Sam's birthday is tomorrow! He will be 31 years young. We also have settlement on the new house tomorrow. I am slowly getting excited about moving, Sam however is not, he see's the mountain of work - the actual process of moving looming in front of us. I hope that once we are settled in the house we will be happier.

I honestly don't know what else to say. The grief is still strong and controlling. Yesterday I would have been 19 weeks pregnant. Almost at the half way point. It kills me thinking about it. And we would have been finding out the sex definitively at this point.

We have our good days and we have our bad days. Sometimes the thought of Eryn consumes me and the sadness overwhelms me. I just keep telling myself that things are going to get better, life is going to seem brighter. I hope.

I miss her more and more everyday. I miss what could have been. These feelings I doubt will ever fade. I just hope it will hurt less.