Not much going on, on this end. Just waiting for 2009 to be over and hopeful that 2010 is going to be an awesome year for Sam, Lukas and I.

I miss Eryn and think about her every day several times a day. I stare at her urn and am still in shock that this has happened. I accept it but I wish things had been different.

We are mostly settled in the house, we have started painting the rooms. Lukas' room is almost done and we painted the sunroom! We just try to keep busy as much as we can.

Tori and I went to Michael's and I purchased a pink scrapbook and material to make a scrapbook for Eryn. I had already bought a small scrapbook when I first found out I was pregnant to fill with my pregnancy photos and ultrasounds but it was Mickey Mouse and just wasn't good enough for her. I am hoping to start it this week.

So that is all in my life right now. Just taking it day by day. It's the best that I can do.

I am sitting here with Lukas in our sunroom as he drinks his bottle and for the past 2 days I can't get the thoughts of Eryn out of mind. I just feel devastated. I can't think of a better word. I try to pretend that I am ok but my heart really hurts.

We have started planning Eryn's memorial. I feel like I am stuck in time. I hope that her memorial will give me some sort of closure so I can try to move forward with life. I hope the pain will lessen in time. I hope that people never forget her. Though we never got to see her or hold her my heart still aches the same. I keep looking in the room that we were supposed to be decorating for her and I feel lost.

I wanted to share this quote I found:

The angel, in the book of life, wrote down my baby's birth and whispered as she closed the book 'Too beautiful for Earth."

We are officially moved in to our new house. We did the big move yesterday. We had such great help yesterday and today. Thank you to those that helped! Sam did a walk through with the new owner of our Sellersville house. I didn't go with him. I didn't want to get upset, I know that this is now my home. Sounds dumb I know but I was really sad to be moving after everything that has happened but we are so lucky to be in this beautiful home!

I also got a call yesterday from Lindsey at the funeral home. She advised me that Eryn's urn had arrived and that she would drop it off today. I somehow knew that she was going to be calling me yesterday. I just had a feeling. Lindsey came this morning and dropped off my daughter's ashes. It is a beautiful cherry finish with an angel engraved on it along with her first and middle name and her date of birth/death on it. Sam was not home but Jason was with me at the time. I kept my emotions in check for the most part. It's just seems like a really bad dream still. I am sitting here now looking at her urn and I can't believe that my daughter's ashes are in there. I am waiting for someone to wake me up and tell me that I dreamed this all up and that I am still pregnant. It makes me so sad to know that she wasn't given a chance at life and I am so sorry for that. I would have done anything if I knew there was a chance for her.

Sam went and picked out a Christmas tree this evening while I stayed home with Lukas. It just doesn't feel right to be celebrating anything. I will though for my son. He loves all of the Christmas lights. I decorated with some of my Christmas decorations tonight. I can't wait for him to wake up tomorrow morning to see/destroy it all!

Life is slowly moving on, whether we want it to or not. Most importantly, Sam's birthday is tomorrow! He will be 31 years young. We also have settlement on the new house tomorrow. I am slowly getting excited about moving, Sam however is not, he see's the mountain of work - the actual process of moving looming in front of us. I hope that once we are settled in the house we will be happier.

I honestly don't know what else to say. The grief is still strong and controlling. Yesterday I would have been 19 weeks pregnant. Almost at the half way point. It kills me thinking about it. And we would have been finding out the sex definitively at this point.

We have our good days and we have our bad days. Sometimes the thought of Eryn consumes me and the sadness overwhelms me. I just keep telling myself that things are going to get better, life is going to seem brighter. I hope.

I miss her more and more everyday. I miss what could have been. These feelings I doubt will ever fade. I just hope it will hurt less.

Today was the day from hell....

I just updated my facebook status to "Erica Levin survived this day. barely." Today was a day I quite frankly would like to not repeat. First it has been exactly 2 weeks since my procedure. That hangs heavy in my mind and heart. I have been very emotional all day. Crying off and on, listening to all of my "sad songs." Pretty much throwing myself a big ole' pity party. I had an especially bad moment emotionally and thank god Sam was home. He is the best peson in the whole wide world!!!!

Lukas had a low grade fever last evening. He slept well until 4am and then there was no going back to sleep. He was acting fine, a bit clingy but REFUSED to take any good naps. He slept for 30 minutes here and there. So between that and my being an emotional wreck = a bad day. Some more things happened but I'll spare you the gory details.

We had an appointment at the funeral home this evening to pick out Eryn's urn. Definitely not something I thought that we'd EVER be doing for our child. The funeral director was such a sweetheart. She said that she had to tell us and hoped we didn't think it was weird but she was keeping Eryn's ashes in her personal area. She said that our story really affected her and wanted to take care of Eryn. Knowing that there are still caring people out there in the big bad world is so heartwarming. Anyway, we picked out the perfect urn for our daughter and it will be engraved with her first and middle name. Lindsey (the funeral director) guaranteed that Eryn will be coming home next week. She also stated that she is more then willing to bring Eryn's ashes to our house. As I said, she was such a sweetheart.

I am worn out and ready for bed. I am hoping that Lukas is feeling better and sleeps well tonight. I hate to see my little man suffer so much. He is one of the bright spots in my life! He cracks me up on a daily basis. He is now imitating things people do. My mom watched him tonight and everytime she laughed, he mocked her and imitated her laugh. It was hilarious!

Anyway, thanks for listening to me and keeping updated with our story of Eryn.

A tiny bit of closure....

I had my post-op appointment this morning with my OB. I thank god I have such a great dr. I truly was greatful to have him by my side through all of this.

Anyway, he said physically everything is good with me.

He also had received back the chromosomal testing of the baby's tissue. Sam and I were very surprised because we were told that it would take up to 6 weeks to get the results back. He advised us that the tests came back perfect. There is nothing genetic or chromosomal that caused this to our child. He stated again that this was just a lightning strike situation, he also advised that we had a 1% chance of this happening again.

I then immediately asked him if he knew the sex of our angel baby and he said that he did and asked us if we'd like to know. Of course we said yes to him and were on the edge of our seats.

He advised us that we had a GIRL. My heart shattered all over again. I started to cry. I knew in my heart and soul that we had had a girl. It was heartbreaking to hear but we had a sense of relief and closure (a very small amount) because we now knew that it wasn't our genetics that caused this to happen to our little girl and now we knew we had a daughter.

Now I am going to take this story back to last week. We haven't been sleeping very well for the past 2 weeks and one night around 3am I awoke from a light sleep and asked Sam if he was awake. He said yes. I then informed him that I knew the baby's name if it was a girl. It just came to me while I slept. Maybe from a dream, I don't really know.

We have to decided to name her Eryn Lorraine Levin. Her middle name is after my mother and Sam's mother. They have helped us much through this tragedy.

Eryn will always be on my mind, I love her so much even though I never got to hold her or even see her. Her time was too short but I pray hard that there is a heaven and that that is where she is and that she is happy.

We went out for the 1st time last night in a social setting. It was hard to control the sadness and my crankyness but Sam and I had a good time. Lukas had the most fun though. He was out on the dance floor with everyone shaking his booty, having a blast! He loved the flashing lights from the dj, the music and all the people dancing with him! I had a big smile on my face watching him the whole time!

We did alot of packing today, once I got started I couldn't stop. I didn't give myself time to think about the baby too much. It always seems to be on my mind but I just looked at Sam and told him that today was the 1st day that I felt sort of "human" and he said the word "human" at the same time I did! He said that he felt the same way. He has always been good at finishing my sentences for me!

I had 2 good friends stop by this evening with a TON of cookies ( and a TON of boxes for our move), so guess what you are eating if you happen to stop by my house??? If you haven't guessed........COOKIES! Oh and they brought beer but I don't think Sam is going to part with that :-) Thank you so much Kristin and Cheryl. You listened to me ramble and I appreciate it!

I go in tomorrow morning for my post-op appointment with my OB, I am not sure how I am going to be sitting in the waiting room with all the pregnant moms, I *think* I am going to be ok. I just wish I was still that Mommy still pregnant sitting in the waiting room. It just wasn't my time. I hope that some day that I get a chance to be a momma to another child.

I don't think the sadness will ever go away completely, I will miss my child every day for the rest of my life but today was a happier day. I hope to have more of these days.

Thank you again ( I can't say it enough)to everyone for the love, prayers and support! It means so much to us!

Today....

Today we are going to get our Christmas cards done. Sam nor I are in the mood to have our pictures taken and smile but I know that if we don't do it I am going to regret it. We all know how much I love pictures. I will give it my best fake smile.

It has been 10 days since my procedure and it doesn't seem to be getting an easier. The pain is still just as intense. Especially before bed, I just lay there and cry. It hits me hardest then for some reason.

We have been busy packing up the house. I've decided that I don't like packing...especially when I don't want to move!

Nothing much else is going on in our world. Still waiting for a call from the funeral home to pick up the baby's ashes.

We have received many cards in the mail from family and friends. They are very much appreciated. I am greatful to have people that care in our lives. I want to share a saying that was on one of the cards. It made me cry but has stuck in my mind and will forever.

Grow, little flower
reach for the light,
your sweet little spirit
forever will bloom.

Glow, little star,
tucked into the heavens,
cradled with care
in the curve of the moon.

Blow, little leaf,
to a beautiful someplace
safe in the sheltering
arms of a breeze-

Know, little one,
that you'll always be with us...
forever held close
in our love's memories.

It has been exactly 1 week since we sent our baby to heaven

I cannot believe that it has been exactly 1 week since we had to end my pregnancy. It all still seems like a horrible nightmare. Time keeps moving but I am still stuck.

I received a call from the funeral home yesterday. They needed some information from me for the baby's death certificate. I am not sure if it really is a death certificate or some other type but I refer to it as that. He asked the baby's name and Icouldn't even tell him because we don't know the sex of the baby yet. We have our names picked out but I couldn't just give him a generic name. Because of that, my baby will be listed as "Unknown" and it cannot be changed. It felt like my heart was being ripped out when he said that. I asked if I could go and re-file the certificate once I found out and he said he didn't think so.

We had Lukas' 15 month well check up yesterday and everything is going well for him except his eczema. He is having really bad flare ups for the past 2 weeks. I feel so bad and helpless. We have an appointment with his dermatologist this month so hopefully we can figure something out. He got shots yesterday and for the first time had a fit. Broke out into hysterical tears. I started crying because there was nothing I could do.

I have my post-op appointment with my OB next week. I hope everything is ok with me physically.

Ok I am done rambling, Lukas is about to pull down the blinds off of the door so I have to go grab him!

Empty

I can hardly believe that this nightmare began a week ago yesterday. Words can't describe how I feel, how Sam feels. I have moments where I am ok and then I am in tears and then there are many times when I feel something swelling up in my chest and it hurts to breath. I want to scream, I want to punch something, throw something. Anything to make it go away. To make all the pain go away.

Sleep doesn't come often for Sam and I, we are walking around in a fog.

Please don't ask me if we are feeling better or if things are getting better. Our child is dead, things are not going to get better for a very long time. I carried my child for almost 17 weeks, the baby was a part of me and my love for that child was and still is fierce.

It is so odd (for lack of a better term) to go from being pregnant to not........it is such a feeling of emptyness and it consumes my thoughts.

The ONLY good thing that has come out of this whole horrible situation is my love for Sam, going though this with him has made me fall in love with him all over again. Not that I have ever fallen out of love, it has just made it that much stronger. He is my rock, my strength, he sits here and holds me as is sob and scream. He has taken on the major parenting duties of Lukas when I feel like I can't even move or focus.

My mom has been by my side since this nightmare began. I really do not know what I would do without her. She is my best friend and I don't think I will or would have survived this without her.

My mom and Nicole Luciw came over last night to help start packing up the house. It hurt Sam and I to have to pack up Lukas' room especially. We are having a very hard time dealing with the move. Our home is familar to us, it feels safe. I know moving into the new place is going to be great and we will be happy eventually, just right now it feels like not such a great thing.

I am sorry for the rambling, I feel like I don't make much sense these days.

I just want to thank everyone again for checking in on us, for the phone calls, e-mails and text messages. If you do not hear back from us, please do not be hurt. We just need time and sometimes don't know what to say to people. We also appreciate the offers to help us move. It is comforting to know we have such caring people in our lives.

I am sitting here thinking about everything and realized that we move in about 3 weeks. Nothing is packed and we have no motivation. This new house was bought because we were expanding our family. It was to be a new exciting beginning with our new baby and our amazing little boy Lukas. Now neither of us are very excited to move. It is now a reminder of what could have been. An empty room where our new baby should have been.

My emotions are a whirlwind right now. I try to be strong for Sam and Lukas, as I know that Sam is hurting just as badly as I. I would do anything to ease his pain if I could. I feel SO pissed one minute and so sad the next minute. I have such a strong need to know the sex of my baby and am praying that we find out soon. I miss my baby so badly. What I would give to go back just to feel the baby inside of me just one more time.

Empty womb, broken heart, shattered dreams and full of questions. Why us?

Thanksgiving Day

I want to be thankful for so many things on a day like today, it just seems impossible. The procedure went well yesterday. I felt the baby the whole time I was being prepped for surgery. I kept feeling the kicks and my heart kept shattering with each movement I felt. I went into surgery crying and woke up crying. I just can't seem to stop. I am not in too much physical pain today thank goodness.

I am not sure where to go from here. I feel empty, I know that my baby is no longer inside of me. I want to know why this happened to Sam and I. I know I will never get the answer to that question.

Our Thanksgiving Celebration was postponed, no one feels much like celebrating after the few days that we have had. I pray that my baby is in heaven and being cared for others we've lost and by my grandpop, who my sister said is probably teaching the baby some curse words right about now.

The funeral home will be picking up the baby tomorrow and that lays heavy in my mind and heart. We have not decided the next step.

I don't think I will ever get over not being able to see my baby, or kiss my baby or watch my baby grow up. I don't even know the gender of my child. We hope to know after the chromosomal testing is completed. I feel that my baby deserves a name even though it never had an opportunity on this Earth.

We never thought this could happen to us. I have a wonderful healthy little boy so we just assumed we'd have the same again. This condition that my baby had is a horrible horrible thing.

In my agony I have learned to take NOTHING for granted. You never know when you are going to lose someone you love.

I feel empty and overwhelmingly sad, I feel angry that this has happened to us.

I am so thankful for my friends and family. I don't think I could survive this without them. I don't know how to move on. Everyone says that in time that the pain will lessen but will always stay with Sam and I.

I know we have a really tough road ahead of us and someday I hope I can be happy again.

I miss my baby so much already, the pain is indescribable.

Thank you again for all the support.

Love, Erica

Heaven is receiving an Angel much too soon.

It seems it was about a year ago when we created this blog and now for the first time are using it to share with you what is going on with our life.

I know some of you are wondering what is going on with Sam and I right now. We had proudly announced that we were pregnant with baby #2!

I had my 16 week ultrasound on Monday and we had high hopes to find out the sex of our baby. Instead we found out that our precious baby has a severe form of holoprosencephaly. Our unborn child's brain never formed when I first became pregnant. It never divided as it should have. Our baby is brain dead and has no chance for survival. There is no solid reasoning for this condition. We were advised that he/she would possibly not make it to full term and if the baby did, it would have days if not hours to live. We were advised by a specialist and my OB that our best option is to end my pregnancy.

We did our research and leaned heavily on each other and our immediate family. We came to the decision to end my pregnancy. Mine and Sam's hearts are shattered. We have to say goodbye to our child that we will never hold, never kiss and never see grow up. I know there is a breathing child inside of me but has no quality of life. The baby's brain stem is in tact which makes the baby able to move and wiggle, the heart is beating but the brain is not formed.

I go in tomorrow to end my pregnancy. I can't stop crying, it all seems so surreal. I ask that you pray for us, pray for our families and pray for our angel baby. I know that everything happens for a reason but I am numb and can't understand why this has happened to us.

Please give us time to heal, we thank everyone especially our close friends and family for the unconditional love and support.