Thanksgiving Day

I want to be thankful for so many things on a day like today, it just seems impossible. The procedure went well yesterday. I felt the baby the whole time I was being prepped for surgery. I kept feeling the kicks and my heart kept shattering with each movement I felt. I went into surgery crying and woke up crying. I just can't seem to stop. I am not in too much physical pain today thank goodness.

I am not sure where to go from here. I feel empty, I know that my baby is no longer inside of me. I want to know why this happened to Sam and I. I know I will never get the answer to that question.

Our Thanksgiving Celebration was postponed, no one feels much like celebrating after the few days that we have had. I pray that my baby is in heaven and being cared for others we've lost and by my grandpop, who my sister said is probably teaching the baby some curse words right about now.

The funeral home will be picking up the baby tomorrow and that lays heavy in my mind and heart. We have not decided the next step.

I don't think I will ever get over not being able to see my baby, or kiss my baby or watch my baby grow up. I don't even know the gender of my child. We hope to know after the chromosomal testing is completed. I feel that my baby deserves a name even though it never had an opportunity on this Earth.

We never thought this could happen to us. I have a wonderful healthy little boy so we just assumed we'd have the same again. This condition that my baby had is a horrible horrible thing.

In my agony I have learned to take NOTHING for granted. You never know when you are going to lose someone you love.

I feel empty and overwhelmingly sad, I feel angry that this has happened to us.

I am so thankful for my friends and family. I don't think I could survive this without them. I don't know how to move on. Everyone says that in time that the pain will lessen but will always stay with Sam and I.

I know we have a really tough road ahead of us and someday I hope I can be happy again.

I miss my baby so much already, the pain is indescribable.

Thank you again for all the support.

Love, Erica