Empty

I can hardly believe that this nightmare began a week ago yesterday. Words can't describe how I feel, how Sam feels. I have moments where I am ok and then I am in tears and then there are many times when I feel something swelling up in my chest and it hurts to breath. I want to scream, I want to punch something, throw something. Anything to make it go away. To make all the pain go away.

Sleep doesn't come often for Sam and I, we are walking around in a fog.

Please don't ask me if we are feeling better or if things are getting better. Our child is dead, things are not going to get better for a very long time. I carried my child for almost 17 weeks, the baby was a part of me and my love for that child was and still is fierce.

It is so odd (for lack of a better term) to go from being pregnant to not........it is such a feeling of emptyness and it consumes my thoughts.

The ONLY good thing that has come out of this whole horrible situation is my love for Sam, going though this with him has made me fall in love with him all over again. Not that I have ever fallen out of love, it has just made it that much stronger. He is my rock, my strength, he sits here and holds me as is sob and scream. He has taken on the major parenting duties of Lukas when I feel like I can't even move or focus.

My mom has been by my side since this nightmare began. I really do not know what I would do without her. She is my best friend and I don't think I will or would have survived this without her.

My mom and Nicole Luciw came over last night to help start packing up the house. It hurt Sam and I to have to pack up Lukas' room especially. We are having a very hard time dealing with the move. Our home is familar to us, it feels safe. I know moving into the new place is going to be great and we will be happy eventually, just right now it feels like not such a great thing.

I am sorry for the rambling, I feel like I don't make much sense these days.

I just want to thank everyone again for checking in on us, for the phone calls, e-mails and text messages. If you do not hear back from us, please do not be hurt. We just need time and sometimes don't know what to say to people. We also appreciate the offers to help us move. It is comforting to know we have such caring people in our lives.